In My Life
by Zenappa
Summary: She thought she had married the perfect man, the right one for her, the one that would make her happy no matter what the circumstance… But she found herself getting less and less out of him. He was keeping secrets, ironically so was she. That did not matter. There were some things that needed to stay a secret... LOKYANA ONE-SHOT.


Illyana Rasputina was a complicated woman. She thought she had married the perfect man, the right one for her, the one that would make her happy no matter what the circumstance… But she found herself getting less and less out of him. He was keeping secrets, ironically so was she. That did not matter, however, she decided as she brushed her long blonde hair away from her eyes. There were some things that needed to stay a secret… She did not mind that he was keeping things from her, but her curiosity peaked at her until she wanted to scream. What had happened to the man that she married? What happened to the big strong man who was supposed to keep her safe from whatever? How could she tell him? There were no words that could be spoken to fix this.

"How strange," she whispered to herself. "This feeling that my life's begun at last." When she had locked eyes with him from afar, she knew he did not recognize her but she did him. He looked the same, however much she had changed. "This change, can people really fall in love so fast?" She thought she had fallen in love already but it seems she was mistaken. Or perhaps it was all just an illusion… She would never know if she never tried. "What's the matter with you Illy? Have you been too much on your own? So many things unclear, so many things unknown."

Everyday seemed to get more complicated with her husband, and she found herself being drawn away from him and towards this man that she had recently found - the man from her dreams, the man from her past. "In my life," she continued speaking under her breath. "There are so many questions and answers that somehow seem wrong. In my life, there are times when I catch in the silence the sigh of a faraway song. And it sings of a world that I long to see out of reach, just a whisper away waiting for me."

She had always thought about what it would be like if he returned for her, but she never thought it would be something like this, tugging at her heart strings until it threatened to tear her in half.

"Does he know I'm alive?" That was a good question. The last time he saw her it was in Russia, with her writhing away in the snow. She could have easily passed in between then and now. It had been what ten years at least. "Do I know if he's real?" That was another question that deserved to be asked. What if it was all just another dream? Another illusion of the mind? "Does he see what I see? Does he feel what I feel?" Two more questions that were decent. He had certainly seen her and was captivated by her, but what next? Did he even care?

"In my life, I'm no longer alone now the love of my life has found me. Find me now, find me here."

She broke off as her bedroom door swung open and her husband stalked in. Barney Barton was a tall man with muscular arms that originally had drawn Illyana into him, but despite all of that, he was a big teddy bear. He loved her - or so she thought. What were the secrets that he was keeping from her? He looked down at her, humming to herself and frowned.

"Dear Illyana," he began quietly. "You're such a lonely woman. How pensive, how sad you seem to me." Illyana suppressed an eye roll. He knew nothing of her troubles, nor did it seem like he cared. But he still seemed to care for her well being, that had to count for something right? "Believe me, were it within my power, I'd fill each passing hour." She sighed at that line. He never had the time for her anymore, he was always away at work and leaving her home by herself. "How quiet it must be, I can see with only me for company." They had always talked about starting a family together, to break the silence between them that lapsed every so often but nothing ever came of it. They were still just the two of them, living far away, living alone.

Illyana paused for a moment before breaking in hesitantly. Did she really want to go down this road? Did she really want to start asking questions that she didn't necessarily want answers to? "There's so little I know that I'm longing to know of the man that you were a time long ago."

"Please Illy."

She carried on, her strength returning, "There's so little you say of the life you have known, why you keep to yourself, why we're always alone. So dark, so dark and deep, the secrets that you keep."

"In my life," she continued now that she stunned Barney into silence. "Please forgive what I say, you are loving and gentle and good. But Barney, dear Barney, in your eyes, I am still like a child who is lost in the woods." That much was true. He always looked down upon her like a fragile doll threatening to break at any moment. That was not the case; she could hold her own, if only he would see that.

"No more words," Barney spoke up for the first time in minutes, rage clearly showing on his face. "No more words, it is a time that is dead. There are words that are better unheard, better unsaid -"

Illyana interrupted him yet again, "In my life, I am no longer a child and I yearn for the truth that you know of the years, years ago." She was not satisfied with his answer.

"You will learn, truth is given by God to us all in our time in our turn."

Barney nodded once, not sensing his wife's anger and walked out of the bedroom. Illyana flopped back onto their bed, running her hands through her golden hair. That was not what she had intended in the slightest.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Two figures approached the house that Illyana and Barney lived in from a distance, one male and one female. The male figure had a smile written all over his face that lit up every time he took a step closer. He brushed his dark black hair out of his eyes and turned to his brown-haired petite companion. His smile grew wider as he stared down at her.

"In my life," he whispered, not wanting to be heard. "She has burst like the music of angels, the light of the sun. And my life seems to stop as if something is over and something has scarcely begun." He had locked eyes with her in the village earlier today and something pulled him closer to her. She had a familiar look on her face and yet, he couldn't quite put his finger on it. There was something about her. He needed to know more about her. Something was seriously wrong… He shouldn't be feeling this way and yet, the god of mischief wanted to explore it.

He took his companion's hand and pulled her into a hug, "Peggy, you're the friend who has brought me here. Thanks to you, I am one with the gods and heaven is near! And I soar through a world that is new that is free." And with that, Loki Laufeyson sauntered over to the gate of the house, planning his next attack on how to get closer to the mysterious blonde woman from the village.

"Every word that he says is a dagger in me," his companion, Peggy Carter, sighed, taking a step backwards. She didn't want him to hear what she had to say. "In my life, there's been no one like him anywhere, anywhere where he is. If he asked, I'd be his." That was all she ever wanted, to be his. And yet, she knew it was impossible. She knew that she couldn't do that. His heart seemed to belong to another, and she could never change that.

They both whispered at the same time, not hearing one another. "In my life, there is someone who touches my life, waiting near, waiting here."

A door opened from the back of the house and Peggy almost threw herself behind a nearby tree to remove herself from view. She didn't want to ruin the moment, as much as the dark side of her did. She only came as a friend, she had to remind herself. Loki, on the other hand, stayed by the gate, watching as the woman in question came sauntering into the gardens. She glanced up, cocking her head to one side as she spotted him and slowly walked over as if she wasn't sure if he was actually there.

"A heart full of love," he said slowly. "A heart full of song, oh I'm doing everything all wrong." The god wasn't used to these emotions, let alone how to express them. It was all new for him. "Oh gods for shame, I do not even know your name. Dear Mademoiselle, won't you say? Will you tell?"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoO

As Illyana reached the gates where Loki was waiting, she bit her lip, smiling at him. The smile faded when he openly admitted that he didn't know who she was. She tried not to let that get to her. It didn't matter, he was about to find out anyway, wasn't he?

"A heart full of love," she echoed back. "No fear, no regrets."

He interrupted, clearly ahead of himself, "My name is Loki Laufeyson."

"And mine's Illyana."

She watched in satisfaction as a surprised look washed over his face as he recognized her finally. He stuttered over his words, "Illyana, I don't know what to say." She could almost see the shock written all over his face. Suddenly, his world was clicking together. Memories washed over his eyes and she gave him a small smile, "Then make no sound."

"I am lost."

"I am found."

They looked at each other in the eyes, admiration shining from them both. It was amazing to see this connection so fast, although Illyana still wasn't sure if this was real. She hoped to whatever gods were listening that it was. She couldn't believe that he still wanted her after he discovered who she really was, this was certainly something. Something that could not be ignored.

oOoOoOoOoOoO

"A heart full of love," whispered Loki to his newfound love, Illyana - was that her name? And yet, Peggy could not stand to hear anymore. She sunk down against the tree she was peering behind and held her head in her hands. She couldn't help hoping that something would go wrong.

She shook her head, "He was never mine to lose. Why must this be something it cannot be?"

"A heart full of you," murmured Illyana back and Peggy wanted to throw something at her in disgust. This wasn't supposed to be happening!

"These are words he'll never say, not to me, not to me," she admitted before standing up from her tree and walking away sadly. She couldn't stand to see anymore. This was just pure torture. "His heart full of love."

With a single glance over her shoulder, she watched the pair of them lean their heads together, obviously so admired with each other. She couldn't take it anymore, she just couldn't.

oOoOoOoOoOoO

"Forever and always," Illyana said, her shy smile growing wider and wider by the minute. She had finally found someone who wasn't perfect, but perfect in her eyes. This was the man that she should have married, this was the man that she loved.

Loki smiled his signature grin back at her, "Until the end of time."

And beyond.


End file.
